This is my personal diary of trials, tribulations, successes, victories, and the ongoing search for well-being of mind, body, and spirit.

Living in Hell. 1979-2004

After the incident at work, I went to see an Eye Doctor who told me that I had a tear in my retina and it would have to fixed immediately or risk losing my sight - so I had it done. 20 years later I learned that this 'accepted practice' was no longer 'accepted' and I should not have had that procedure done because the risk of me losing my sight was so very low and the procure could actually have done more harm. Strange how short-sighted the Medical Industry is. What's accepted as the 'Rule' today, is found to be harmful and useless only a few years later.

Anyway, that doctor told me to 'be on the look out' for any more 'floaters' or 'flashers' as that could mean my retina was detaching and I would lose my eyesight. Only years later again, I found out that 'dreadful' warning was unnecessary and should have been handled with better 'bedside manner'.

So I spent the next many years panicing every time I saw a 'floater' or a 'flash of light' - all completely normal functioning of the eyes in certain situations (strain, cold, headache, etc.) That panic and the subsequent anxiety now 'Ruled' me. I thought there must be something else wrong with me so I started on the journey to find out, a journey through the 'dark forest' of information that was available at that time.

I went to a brain specialist who did a brain scan on me and said everything looked normal, but with a caveat. The caveat was that I was in the 33% group that had 'irregular' brain activity. When I inquired as to what that meant, I was told that it meant 'nothing' special, just that 33% of people tested have this 'irregular' pattern. Very conforting news to someone with anxiety and panic problems.

So I had to dig deeper and for some reason looked for answers in Vitamins and Supplements, intuitively thinking that maybe I wasn't getting enough. A good direction but filled with just as many 'mine fields' and empty promises. I tried the megadoses of Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Quercitin, Fish Oils, Homeopathic Remedies, and many more. Years passed without any positive progress, only more 'symptoms' - more 'floaters', more 'flashers', more anxiety. What I didn't realize at the time was that there was MORE to it than picking a pill and expecting a miracle. So I pretty much 'gave up' and resigned myself to what doctors and friends and family were telling me - 'Just learn to live with it'.

Boy, was THAT the wrong path to take. They all meant well and there is a lot of truth to that statment 'Learn to Live with It', but I just took that to mean I would never get any better and would feel crummy the rest of my life. So I started unconsciously looking for happiness in other ways. New jobs, Going out at night, Drinking, Sports, Affairs, etc. I tried ALL of those 'drugs' and then some. But I kept feeling worse.

The first major turning point came when I started having another affair and couldn't continue with the lies and 'came clean' in 1999. This led to a very ugly divorce and the alienation of my 3 children. A very high-priced lesson, but one I'm now sure had to be made. I thought at that time that I now had a chance for happiness - a chance to find the 'perfect' woman for me, who would make my life happy. Yes, I really thought that. 6 years later I 'awoke' to discover that the happiness had to come from ME. So I spent the next 5 years searching for happiness in bars and the single life.

One very important life change did happen in these 5 years. I got myself 'fired' from my great contract with a government agency, that was paying me very good money. So I had to decide what to do next and I decided to move back to where my children moved to with my ex-wife and find a job there. Another eye-opening event. That did not go as planned. I did find a job right away that paid decent money but only about half of what I was making before. And I hated where I was living. It felt like a step back in time for me. The only thing that would have made it bearable would have been if I was able to see my daughters more often. But, because of the ugliness of the divorce, I managed to only see my daughters 4 times in 6 months. The 'last straw' was when I could not see them on Christmas day because I was told they had places to go. At the same time, I learned that the girl that I was engaged to was having an affiar and she left me. What felt like the end of the world at that time was the start of some major changes.

I knew I could never be happy where I was living, so I had to give up the guilt feelings and move back to a place I loved. This time, I couldn't find a job, so I bought a very small internet business with my last savings and decided to finally try to run my own business. Finally a decision from my heart - FOR ME.

Everything did not get better right away but it was a step in the right direction. I was pretty broke most of the time but I found ways to make money and it felt much better than the 'zombie' feeling of going to work 9 to 5 and doing what other people told me to do - even when I felt is was not the right thing to do. And putting up with the company politics.

Unfortuneately, it gave me more free late night time, which I used to go to bars and play pool, drink, and find the wrong kind of women. And the drinking made my phsysical symptoms temporarily go away many times. Until the next day. So I now justified the 'feeling crappie' all the time to drinking too much and staying out too late. I'm sure that this added to it, but it was, for sure, not the only reason I was feeling horrible.

The sick feelings continued day after day, with migraines, dizzyness, extreme tiredness, and more anxiety. I'd get up at 11 A.M, every day and work till about 3 P.M. and then have to take a 2 hour nap to make it through the rest of the day. And when I say 'had to', I mean that I would have fallen down if I did not lay down for a nap. This became my life for about 4 years. Then in 2004 I found a wonderful, fun, 'full of life' woman and got re-married.